7QT: When things get hard

—1—

The root of everything is that I am a perfectionist. I had the tendency mostly under control before Kathryn was born (well, except for in design, but it made sense to me there). But since she's been born, I've had a very hard time with trying to be "perfect" — the perfect mother, the perfect housewife, just...doing it all and doing it cheerfully. 

But this tendency is making me completely miserable. I can't keep everything clean, and Kathryn is a stubborn little love who has her own mind about things like napping and letting me get work done (she doesn't like it). It's not even driven by anyone's opinion of me, and especially not Shane's. It's purely driven by my idea of what would make me "perfect". 

So finally, three days ago, my husband gave me a new Lenten practice. I need to do one thing wrong every day. On purpose. It's AWFUL. Which is, I suppose, the point.

—2—

This. And this. And just seriously. As a new mother, neither of these posts is actually helpful, and somehow they both manage to make this breastfeeding new mother upset — I don't experience this wonderful bonding time with Kathryn when she's nursing. I actually spend most of the time she's eating trying to keep her eating and get your fingers out of the way gosh darn it. The reason I chose to breastfeed was not because of the nutritional benefits or the ease or the bonding or any of it. I chose to do so because it is cheap. That's the only real reason I breastfeed Kathryn, and it sucks. It makes me feel terrible because there are so many GOOD reasons to choose to breastfeed or to not, and I only care about what is cheapest. 

I'm sure that I'm not the only new mother who doesn't find breastfeeding particularly bonding or pleasant, so seeing so much debate about something that you made a selfish choice for is very difficult. It just gave me more reasons to beat myself up for being a bad mother. 

—3—

When Kathryn was born, we had a rocky start with breastfeeding. She was three weeks early, my breasts at the time were almost bigger and heavier than she was, and I have flat nipples. For the first day and a half of her life, Kathryn couldn't manage to nurse for more than a few minutes. When they finally had me pump so that Shane could syringe-feed her until the lactation consultant could come, it was terrible. It's the one thing that they say is natural, and I couldn't feed my baby. The lactation consultant prescribed a nipple shield so that Kathryn could nurse on her own, and while it worked, I was warned not to use it for more than a week because she would become dependent.

Four months later, she still can't really nurse without the shield. One of my night nurses came in while I was feeding Kathryn in the maternity ward, and said, "That stuff is silly. You should nurse without interventions." As I was sitting there, with my baby who had only been able to start nursing with the shield in the last few hours and pumped milk so that when she got tired she could finish eating, she told me that I was nursing wrong. I was failing my daughter.

This still haunts me. She is dependent on the shield, because while her maturity is no longer a problem, I'm still huge and I still have extremely flat nipples. I feed my baby, but I can't do it naturally. 

—4—

We recently bought an ExerSaucer for Kathryn, because she started hating the bouncer and wanting to sit upright. Even on the lowest setting, when we first bought it last Saturday she could barely touch the ground with the tip of her toes. (Now she can touch with the balls of her feet. Yeah, it's not even been a week.) So I looked online and lo and behold, four month old babies shouldn't use these because it means you're basically a terrible parent, how could you possibly consider putting your baby in here so you can have fifteen minutes to work without having to hold your baby.

At the bare minimum, I need to be able to research and craft one Facebook post per day for the veterinary clinic that I consult for. This takes at least 15-30 minutes. That's the absolute barest minimum that I have to do, but I'm also redesigning their website, setting up their other social media, and maintaining their current site. And I can't really do it while I'm holding Kathryn. So yay for even MORE mommy guilt. Because I need to work, and my baby doesn't get 24/7 human interaction.

—5—

I do like to spend time with Kathryn, but it means that the apartment is messy. I don't always get the dishes done. Everything tends to have a layer of dust, and Kathryn's toys are all over the living room. Plus I had a mild case of influenza a couple of weeks back, and I'm still blowing my nose two-three times a day. And finding tissues from when I was sick all over. I grew up with a clean (well, clean-ish, there were five children in the house) house, so it bothers me that I can't even keep our small apartment clean.

—6—

Migraines suck. I thought having a baby was supposed to make them go away?

—7—

The fact that I just managed to fill an entire blog post with complaining and struggles feels remarkably self-pitying. But this is where my life is right now, and I'm going to state the obvious right now: 

Parenting. Is. Hard. 

I love Kathryn with all my heart. I love tickling her and blowing raspberries on her neck, seeing her smile, hearing her laugh. Watching her play with her toys or talk to her feet brings me such joy. 

But. 

Parenting. Is. Hard. 

And all of the joy and the smiles make it totally worth it. 

Parenting. Is. Hard. 

And Kathryn is worth it.